Divorce, keeping a child on track
"Mom, the school bus is here." Lacey shoved the last bit of jellied toast into her mouth, grabbed the pink book bag off the kitchen counter, and raced out the door. Her blonde, ringlet ponytail bobbed up and down as she ran down the driveway.
Her mother stood motionless in the upstairs bedroom window watching Lacey run toward the waiting yellow machine. Relieved to be alone in the silent house, Miranda slowly crossed her arms in a deliberate self-embrace. She then gently leaned her head forward as she squeezed her eyes tightly closed and began to sob softly.
You Are Not Alone
At first, the emotional release felt cleansing. Then, the regularly scheduled mental dialogue began, "How can I do this to Lacey?" Time and time again, Miranda asked herself, "Who can I turn to? Am I all alone in heart-wrenching decision?" The answer is a resounding "NO"!
The stress of a dissolving family unit leaves parents feeling alone, guilty, and fearful. Sadly, our children are the innocent victims of this adult decision that is seldom quick and is never easy. Like Miranda, you will do whatever is necessary to help your child through the painful process.
Unfortunately, as far back as 1982, the U.S. Census Bureau estimated that approximately 50 percent of all American children would live in a single-parent home sometime during their first 18 years, mostly as a result of separation or divorce.
Look for Help at Your Child's School
Fortunately, there is one powerful source of support readily available for your child during this time of crisis. However, divorcing parents are sometimes slow to recognize this lifeline for their grieving child. Her relief can be found in adults that she already knows and trusts. Her most stable environment during the traumatic days when her world spins out of control is her school. The predictability and the familiarity of her school routine can add tremendous comfort to her young life during the initial days of uncertainty.
While helping her to cope with the trauma of your separation and divorce, school personnel are trained to ensure that academic progress continues. School counselors, social workers, teachers, and administrators have years of experience in simultaneously dealing with educational and emotional issues. They stand ready to help your child through the transition, but YOUR immediate intervention is required.
Recognize Childhood Concerns
Having been an elementary school counselor for the last 25 years, I can assure you that the concerns of children whose parents are divorcing are generally, quite predictable. Likewise, the stages of healing do not vary to a great degree.
An article by MayoClinic.com states that initially, your child may be most interested in concrete things. Who will take me to swimming lessons? Who will pick me up after school? Who will tuck me in bed at night? Can I still go to summer camp? Be prepared to answer some questions repeatedly as your child needs reassurance on the changes at hand.
An informal inventory of local school counselors showed that three of the most common concerns of children in individual counseling are: (1) Is the divorce my fault? (2) What if my parents divorce me? (3) Will other kids be my friends if they find out?
Expect Changes in School Behavior
Don't be surprised if your child makes begging, tearful pleas to stay home rather than going to school. Stomach aches, headaches, and other psycho-semantic illnesses are common for elementary students during a stressful event.
Increased absences often occur during restless times. Your child could become so distracted that her school work declines and her grades may suffer. Her eating habits and energy levels may be interrupted during this adjustment period. She may resist participation in normal activities. Her social relations may struggle.
In Wallerstein and Kelly's (1980) five-year longitudinal study of 60 families and 131 children of divorce, teachers reported that two-thirds of the children showed a change in school behavior and/or academic performance following the parental separation.
Get Yourself to the School!
Make an appointment to meet with the school administrator, the teacher, and the school counselor. These educators will be eager to lay a plan of action to help stabilize your child.
When in doubt about information to share with school personnel, ask yourself, "Will this information help my child to function at school?" If not, don't make it an issue in this setting.
Recently, I met with an anxious mother who was in deep pain and expressed much concern over her first grade daughter's possible resentment over the recent separation. After twisting and shredding a large number of tissues in her lap, she wearily announced, "I don't want Abby to be disappointed in me, so I told her about her daddy sleeping with another woman. That way, she knows if she can't depend on him, she can depend on me". The separation and divorce without the adult details were plenty for Abby to deal with.
Offer Information That Will Help the School Personnel
Custody issues are of major concern to the school staff. If only one parent is allowed access to the child, legal documentation has to be provided to the school. Otherwise, it is assumed that either parent is equally allowed to remove the child. Likewise, the school needs to know who is to be called for accidents or illness, where printed information is to be mailed, and who will be responsible for financial responsibilities.
During the conference, the school counselor will discuss individual and group counseling services that are available. Through individual counseling, your child can discuss her sorrow or discomfort with a trusted adult who is not emotionally tied to the issues. Therefore, your child can freely express herself and will not feel a need to guard her words or feelings. This relationship will likely become a tremendous outlet for her emotions. More than once I have had a child say, "Don't tell my mom that I miss my dad. She is mad at my dad and wants me to be mad, too."
Group Counseling Helps Children with Feelings of Isolation
Group counseling is also very therapeutic for children in pain. Sharing feelings with peers who are experiencing a divorce in their home eliminates the shame and embarrassment of feeling like "the only one who has ever had this happen". One of the most common phrases heard in group sessions during divorce is, "Me, too!" Consequently, their fears, sadness, and anger about the situation are validated and accepted.
Cantrell (1986) suggests that group counseling with children of divorce helps them to label and understand their feelings, which helps them to feel good about themselves and their parents.
Children in my school who live in intact families often ask if they can join a divorce group because of the tight friendships that sometimes develop among children in the divorce groups.
Ask for Help for Yourself
This educational team inherently knows that you are in a difficult situation. Ask for suggestions and recommendations in helping your child through the divorce. They can be of support to you. Their primary allegiance is to your child, but they are trained to advise you as a parent.
Resist the urge to discuss the events and circumstances of the marital problems. While this is not the time to deal with these issues, it would be advantageous for you to seek counseling for yourself. This will help you to return to your attentive state as a parent. Ask where help is available for your needs. Support groups for parents sometimes develop through the schools.
Become Involved in School Activities
Your school greatly desires involved parents. Become active in your Parent/Teacher Organization. As a parent volunteer, go on a class field trip. Your child will love it. If that's not possible, try to make a lunch date with her in the school cafeteria. The opportunities for you to share the school environment with your child are tremendous.
One local school principal recently remarked that the strength of his PTO came from a group of single parents who were determined to stay closely involved with their child's education.
As you and your child grow and heal, seek out ways to become a leader or a mentor for others. You certainly will not be the last person to be placed in this difficult position of divorce. Look for a support group for single parents. If no group exists, talk with school personnel about starting one. Who would be better than you to help other parents who are just starting the process of divorce?
Now You Know!
School personnel stand trained and ready to help your child deal with educational and emotional issues every day. When personal tragedy hits, they need your help to perform their services more effectively. School professionals can be much more successful when they stand fully armed from the onset of a problem, rather than reacting to uncharacteristic behaviors of your child. YOU are the key to setting the wheels in motion to help your child stay on track in school during your divorce.